Dr. Quimm on Swine Flu

All this talk of swine flu has had my surgery packed out this week. As usual, when things like this appear in the media, people tend to panic, particularly when they don’t receive all the facts. Well, luckily for you, I’m here to set the record straight, hopefully reassure all my patients as well as to give you all some tips on how to survive.
 
Firstly, all this talk of a flu virus is complete bollocks. I mean, who ever heard of a flu virus from pigs? Now don’t get me wrong, Swine Flu is real and we shouldn’t take it lightly but it is NOT what is being reported in the news. Far from it.
 
Swine flu is actually a psychiatric condition, usually prevalent in males and most commonly something which sets in during or immediately after a weekend on the sauce. Patients generally find themselves waking up with or remembering a night with an absolute pig of a bird and immediately they feel physically sick. On top of this, they suffer guilt-like symptoms, mainly around how much ribbing they are going to take from their mates down the boozer for the absolute munter they have run through, the result of which is a fictitious series of aches and pains. There you have it – Swine Flu.
 
So how do you avoid it? Well therein lays the challenge. Ultimately there are two main groups at threat; blokes who repeatedly play the Russian roulette of ‘Pull a pig’ and those that simply cannot stop themselves when they’ve had a beer. There is a third group truth be told, and these are ugly tossers who can’t get the ride any other way. To be fair, I couldn’t give a monkeys about this lot so let them fend for themselves.
 
The ‘Pull a pig’ group need to think on. If you’re playing this game then you’re dicing with death as sooner or later you are going to bag a porker so large, no amount of apple sauce is going to make it any more palatable. In addition to this, one of them will be so large and will insist on going on top that if this happens, the aches and pains of flu will be nothing in comparison to the discomfort of heaving that grunting lump off your knackers.
 
In short fella’s, if you’re going to play the game, don’t come crying to me when your mates rip the piss leaving you shaking like a shitting dog too scared to come out of the house.
 
Now you shandy-drinking, alcho-pop swigging lightweights, you’re a different problem altogether. My first recommendation is up the ante on your beer intake. Madame Artois at 7am is the start. You need to follow this up with a bottle of Bells at lunch and a litre of Russian Water at dinner. Do this for a month and you should be able to start going out with some degree of safety. Having said that, if you still have some troubles, for God’s sake boys, bag up. I don’t mean downstairs either, I mean bag the bitch so you can’t see her ugly mush at least.
 
So there you have it, Dr. Quimm’s cut out and keep guide to avoiding Swine Flu. Next week, I’ll talk you through the safe avoidance of bird flu, although if you’re sick enough to be shagging chickens, I’m not sure you’re really worth helping out!