Boltvault physician and agony uncle Dr Julian Quimm offers advice on your medical and sexual problems. This week the Rascal Rabbit.

Dear Dr. Quimm,

I have an embarrassing problem. A couple of days ago I was playing with my pet rabbit (the battery operated variety) when I got a bit carried away. I inserted the the aforementioned item so far it became irretrievable. The problem is that it’s still switched on and I can’t leave the house because of the snail trail I leave behind me wherever I go.

I am also concerned about battery acid affecting my flaps. Would you suggest going to A&E for a James Herriot or should I just hope that eventually it will fall out of my well lubed clodger?

Mel Tingpot, Gloucester

Dr Quimm says:

Well Mel, I suggest you get looked at right away. By the sounds of it your carpets are going to be buggered if you don’t and if you’ve got laminate flooring you’re going to spend the majority of your time arse over tit. I don’t think you’ll need the full James Herriot to be fair as there are two specific treatments you can try:

1) The Wind Tunnel – Try eating a particularly vicious curry or a cauldron full of lentils – basically anything that will make you fart. Channel the resulting wind from your back door through to your bomb doors and hey presto! the blockage will fire out like a cork from a champagne bottle.

2) Thor’s Hammer – Get yourself round to my surgery where I’ll smack you over the head with a mallet until the force fires out the offending blockage. Be warned though as this has the twin side effects of unconsciousness and a mysterious secretion which will appear on your breasts.

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