By our man who couldn’t give a toss, Snooper van Minge

Got To Dance presenter and part-time foghorn Davina McCall has been admitted to hospital after bursting her own ear drums while shouting. The ‘star’ was rushed to hospital after Friday night’s show which saw some celebrity-hungry, freak of nature dancing uncontrollably to crap music. McCall, 67 was apparently trying to make the show more exciting by breaking her own decibel rating record when her cacophonous roar shattered her inner ear leaving her shaking like a shitting dog on the GTD stage.

The roar which experts likened to the launch of a Saturn Five rocket launch, shattered camera’s, windows and people’s spectacles and also interrupted transmission for several minutes. Sky TV it seems were unconcerned though as no-one watching actually noticed such is the lack of interest in this piss-poor excuse for entertainment.

McCall - Wailing Banshee

McCall – Wailing Banshee

As paramedics rushed to the aid of McCall and injured crowd members, the self-obsessed wailing banshee was only interested in discovering whether or not the viewing figures had improved or she had broken the record she set while hosting Big Brother in 2007. During that particular show she launched such a high-pitched screech that wardens in Battersea Dogs Home reported seeing crazed canines climbing the walls as the sound wave hit, shitting and pissing all over the place and in some cases, gnawing off their own ears in an attempt to escape the noise.

This time round though and despite an increase in volume, it appears even the sight of Davina lying face down and with blood pouring from her ears will not be enough to save the show. Despite the inclusion of such “diverse and interesting” contestants as Dogface, Halfwit and Wolverine-a-like, Marcus, the viewing figures continue to plummet and it seems certain the end is near for GTD. This has placed organisations such as The Samaritans on red alert, bracing themselves as they are for literally dozens of calls from teenage serial texters and Rice-Crispie-gorging crack-heads up and down the country facing a future without grainy images of people sleeping for eight hours a day.

The latest addition to the Samaritan staff

The latest addition to the Samaritan staff

Max Clingfilm who heads up a call centre in Milton Keynes revealed they have taken on extra staff to deal with the expected increase. “We realise the impact the loss of Got To Dance could have on the lives of sad wankers up and down the country so we’ve prepared accordingly,” explained Mr. Clingfilm. He continued: “To cope with the increase we’ve hired a pensioner for an hour a week to deal with the calls. We don’t anticipate her being much busier than that. The rest of our efforts will be concentrated on helping real people with real issues instead of these sad losers who frankly would be no loss to society anyway.”

While McCall was said to be “inconsolable” today as she recovered in hospital faced as she was with the prospect of losing her gig and being forced to return to God-awful Garnier adverts, normal members of the public were apparently unconcerned at the prospect of the show being pulled. This was succinctly summed up by Mr. Joe Flannel of Grimbsy who, when asked about the demise of the show answered “So fucking what?”

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