DR. QUIMM’S GUIDE TO KNOWING YOUR POO

Hi, I’m resident Boltvault physician Dr. Julian Quimm and welcome to the first of my series of medical missives designed to help you recognise the tell-tale signs of illness or injury. In my surgery today, I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson;... (more...)

PROBLEMS PUTTING OUT

  Dear Dr Quimm, My boyfriend is always pestering me to have sex with him. It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, he always wants to sleep with me. What can I do as I'm worried this sort of pressure will ruin our relationship? Abi Daysarehereagain, London Dr.... (more...)

More Dr. Quimm Casefiles

Threesome Poser Dear Dr. Quimm,   My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me but Im worried how this might affect our relationship. What should I do?   Angie Sden, Walford. Dr. Quimm Says: Obviously, your husband cannot get enough of you!... (more...)

Dr. Quimm’s dietary tips

Morning all and welcome once again to my surgery. I'm regularly asked about what food people should be eating and for advice on health and fitness. Frankly I couldn't give a rat's arse because I'm a fanny magnet despite my beer gut. However, for those... (more...)

The good doctor speaks again!

Dear Dr. Quimm, I don’t normally write in for help but I’m afraid to say that I’m really struggling and need your advice. I’ve been married for 7 years and I think my wife is up to no good. Why, you may ask?  Well there are all the usual tell... (more...)

Chef’s Arse

Dear Dr. Quimm, Could you please furnish me with the correct definitions of firstly 'Chefs Arse', and secondly a 'Kleberson'. Are they the same? Also, what are 'Clinkers', 'Chob Nuts', 'Tag Bolts' and 'Undercarriage Urchins? Roger Bhouys, France Dr Quimm... (more...)

Please Dr. Quimm, can you help?

Dear Dr. Quimm, I have particularly long arse cress and suffer from an uncomfortable build up of clinkers. Trimming the hair seems to make it grow faster and I now have to put it in a bun, which makes my buttocks look lopsided. Any suggestions? A. Nuss Bourneville... (more...)

Dr. Quimm offers more advice

Dear Dr. Quimm,   I've been seeing this tart for a while now and she is proper filth, I mean the blonde bird out of Girls Aloud filth. She lets me do all sorts to her and is forever asking me to try different things with her from Golden Showers to Tarmacking.... (more...)

Tom Carr – struggling with his sexuality

Dear Dr. Quimm, I’m worried about a friend of mine, Tom Carr as I feel he may be struggling with his sexuality. My suspicions were aroused last month while on a fishing trip to France. I knew it was going to be quiet but I didn't realise we were going... (more...)

Snare Drum Syndrome

Dear Doctor Quimm, I wish to remain anonymous but can disclose my name rhymes with Hen. I have this problem… ever since I can remember I have been likened to a ginger mincing midget from an 80’s pop band who can reach notes only those missing testicles... (more...)

Rascal Rabbit

Dear Dr. Quimm, I have an embarrassing problem. A couple of days ago I was playing with my pet rabbit (the battery operated variety) when I got a bit carried away. I inserted the the aforementioned item so far it became irretrievable. The problem is that... (more...)

Hairy Bush

Dear Dr. Quimm, I met this bloke once in a pub and we ended up back at my place. Unfortunately after he had rubbinsed me to get my juices flowing he pulled down my kecks and his previously magnificent tumescence dwindled to something resembling an elastic... (more...)

Dr. Quimm on Swine Flu

All this talk of swine flu has had my surgery packed out this week. As usual, when things like this appear in the media, people tend to panic, particularly when they don’t receive all the facts. Well, luckily for you, I’m here to set the record straight,... (more...)

Useless Cock

Dear Dr. Quimm, I have a real nightmare of a problem and I just don't know what to do. You see, it's my penis. For a start it's a funny colour- a sort of freakishly white you might say. It doesn't seem to work properly either. I can never last more than... (more...)

A Close Shave

Dear Dr. Quimm, I am a man in my 20's and I have what seems to be a strange fixation with my pubic hair. I regularly shave off all my pubes leaving my plonker and knacker sack looking like the last Christmas Turkey in the shop. I've spoken to my friends... (more...)

Itchy Lenny

Dear Dr. Quimm, I would like to ask your advice on a small problem I suffer from. I have an unpleasant itchy feeling in my Lenny which causes me to insert my digit up my arse to relieve the irritation. Unfortunately one side effect of this relief is that... (more...)

Put out!

Dear Dr. Quimm, My boyfriend is always pestering me to have sex with him. It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, he always seems to want to sleep with me. What can I do as I'm frightened this sort of pressure will ruin our relationship... (more...)