HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED FOLLOWING LIVERPOOL DEFEAT. RIB INJURIES INCREASE TENFOLD

By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks.   Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew at Anfield as Liverpool... (more...)

Bolt In New Sprint Sensation – Accomplishes Time Travel Feat

Bolt - capable of time-travel By our man at the track, Wilf Kettle Usain Bolt has amazed the Athletics world again this morning by using his unbelievable speed to actually travel through time. It seems that after winning Olympic Gold last Summer in Beijing,... (more...)

Olympic Boxing Boost – “Tissue-tastic” says Kleenex

By Boltvault Business Analyst Greg Wad Tissue giants Kleenex are reportedly in line for a bumper pay day after Women’s Boxing was confirmed as an event for London’s 2012 Olympics this week. A spokesman for the company claimed the move was directly... (more...)

City announce latest bid

By Boltvault’s Chief Football correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Big spending Manchester City are set to stun the football world yet again in this week as they continue in their attempts to buy the Premier League title. Sources at Eastlands have sensationally... (more...)

Murray injury scare – Star rushed to Hospital

By our man with his balls in his hands, Snooper van Minge There were fears this morning that Andrew Murray’s Wimbledon dream could be over after the tennis ace was rushed to hospital in the early hours. While Murray Mania swept across the country in... (more...)

Ronaldo to Real in £80m deal

By Boltvault’s chief sports correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Fergie: Pissing himself Manchester United have today confirmed they have accepted a bid of £80 million for Portuguese winger Christiano Ronaldo. The greasy, sulky, cheating little twat has repeatedly... (more...)

United Duo In Champions League Blow

United Blow Out Hot on the heels of last weeks Champions League controversy, Manchester United duo Wayne Rooney and Christiano Ronaldo are the latest players set to face the music after pictures were released of the pair doing more than simply bonding... (more...)

Champions League of Villains

Tom Henning Ovrebo UEFA today moved to dismiss rumours that referee Tom Henning Ovrebo who officiated over last night’s controversial Champions League semi-final is in fact a Barcelona fan. Ovrebo, 99, incensed players and fans alike with a string of... (more...)