DR. QUIMM’S GUIDE TO KNOWING YOUR POO

Hi, I’m resident Boltvault physician Dr. Julian Quimm and welcome to the first of my series of medical missives designed to help you recognise the tell-tale signs of illness or injury. In my surgery today, I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson;... (more...)

MOUSE HELD ON CELEBRITY HAIR THEFT CHARGES

Bertram shortly before his arrest By our man down the nick, John Bollocks Police have today apprehended a mouse at Heathrow airport on charges of theft and the suspected trafficking of celebrity human hair. Bertram Mouse, 24 of no fixed abode was arrested... (more...)

WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO GIVE BIRTH THAN MEN – OFFICIAL

By our man in the delivery room, John Bollocks A new study undertaken by Cambridge University to be published next week claims that women are a staggering 100% more likely to give birth than men.  The study which was commissioned by the British Medical... (more...)

HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED FOLLOWING LIVERPOOL DEFEAT. RIB INJURIES INCREASE TENFOLD

By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks.   Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew at Anfield as Liverpool... (more...)

ROSS ANNOUNCES NEW TV PLANS

By chief showbiz correspondent, Snooper van Minge. Following his announcement yesterday that he was quitting the BBC after 13 years; Jonathan Ross has today announced plans for a new TV show which will also feature friend and comedian Russell Brand. Speaking... (more...)

OXFORD MAN HELD ON VOYEUR CHARGES

By our man twitching behind the curtains, John Bollocks. Police were called to a house in upper crust Kidlington, Oxfordshire last night, to arrest an alleged pervert. The alarm was raised by neighbours who heard screaming emanating from a house in The... (more...)

NEW ELECTION POLICIES UNVEILED

By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks.   As the build up to a General Election starts to hot up, the major parties have today unveiled the policies they hope will see them elected. This morning Tory leader David Cameron told waiting journalists his... (more...)

IT’S SNOW JOKE! LATEST TERROR PLOT UNCOVERED

By our man with his hands in a muff, John Bollocks. MI5 has today revealed the cold snap which has seen the UK grind almost to a standstill in recent days, is the result of the latest fiendish terror plot by Islamic extremists. A spokesman for the security... (more...)

NEW GOVERNMENT PLANS ON CLIMATE CHANGE ANNOUNCED – ‘KILL THEM ALL’ SAY MINISTERS

By our woman in Westminster, Selina Clownspocket. The government has today announced revolutionary new plans to cut CO2 emissions and reduce the UK’s carbon footprint. Following a two-year study by the University of Leamington Spa, Government ministers... (more...)

EXCLUSIVE! JEDWARD IN CAN’T SING SHOCK

By our man with a slack jaw and even slacker morals, Snooper van Minge Hit ITV talent show the X Factor has been plunged into turmoil today as shocking revelations came to light amid claims that Irish twins John and Edward cannot sing. The pair who have... (more...)

BUM’S THE WORD – LABOUR ANNOUNCES NEW PLANS TO TACKLE SINGLE MUM’S

By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks. Health Secretary Andy Burnham today announced how Labour plans to tackle the mounting issue of unmarried mothers. In a radical new initiative, Mr. Burnham has called for the introduction of anal sex as an alternative... (more...)

X-POSED! X FACTOR TWINS SECRET DAD REVEALED

By our man aghast, Snooper van Minge As if the country wasn’t talking about them enough, shock new revelations about X Factor twins Jonathan and Edward look set to have tongues wagging even more. Startling new evidence has come to light which has revealed... (more...)

MCINTYRE UNDER INVESTIGATION – ‘COMIC’ TO FACE TRADE DESCRIPTION ENQUIRY

McIntyre - 'smug wanker'By Boltvault Showbiz reporter, Snooper van Minge. Irritating, fast-talking, slanty-eyed, pink shirt-wearing twat Michael McIntyre was today at the centre of an investigation by Trading Standards officers after it emerged he was... (more...)

Bolt In New Sprint Sensation – Accomplishes Time Travel Feat

Bolt - capable of time-travel By our man at the track, Wilf Kettle Usain Bolt has amazed the Athletics world again this morning by using his unbelievable speed to actually travel through time. It seems that after winning Olympic Gold last Summer in Beijing,... (more...)

Warnock & Jordan to Take Ball Home – Not Playing Anymore

By Boltvault’s Chief Football Correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Crystal Palace Manager Neil Warnock and his Chairman Simon Jordan have today threatened to take their ball home and not let anyone else play following a disallowed goal in their game at Bristol... (more...)

Olympic Boxing Boost – “Tissue-tastic” says Kleenex

By Boltvault Business Analyst Greg Wad Tissue giants Kleenex are reportedly in line for a bumper pay day after Women’s Boxing was confirmed as an event for London’s 2012 Olympics this week. A spokesman for the company claimed the move was directly... (more...)

New Cancer Shock – Being Alive Increases Risk

Special report by Boltvault physician, Dr. Julian Quimm. Coming hot on the heels of the announcement this morning that an increase in oral cancer has been linked somewhat tenuously to alcohol, scientists at the privately funded Bob Cratchett Biolabs have... (more...)

Public Warned of Sunbed Terror – “They Are Out There Watching” Say Police

By our man on the front line, John Bollocks. Police have today warned the public to remain vigilant after gangs of angry young sunbeds took to the streets following accusations they were “more dangerous than tobacco”. The gangs have caused havoc in... (more...)

Met Office Wrong Shocker – “Oops” says spokesman

By our man in a cagoule, John Bollocks Its official, the Met Office cannot predict the weather. In a shock announcement this morning the boffins, who for decades have tried in vain to predict rain or shine, finally admitted they were a shower of shit.... (more...)

City announce latest bid

By Boltvault’s Chief Football correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Big spending Manchester City are set to stun the football world yet again in this week as they continue in their attempts to buy the Premier League title. Sources at Eastlands have sensationally... (more...)

DRUGS, HOOKERS AND BOOZE – WHAT HAPPENED NEXT TO THE CADBURY’S GORILLA

By our man with a large banana, Snooper van Minge   He was the Gorilla with the world at his feet. A national TV star who wowed the nation with his drumming abilities but now sadly, that is a distant memory for chocolate bar front man Dave Skelton. For... (more...)

Grimsby Man Scoffs at Scientist Sperm Creation Claims – “Piss-Easy” claims layabout

Report by Boltvault Science editor, Peter Petriedish A man from Grimsby has poured scorn on the revelations that scientists in Newcastle have successfully created human sperm, by claiming he’s “been doing that for years”. Steve Jenkins, 29, an unemployed... (more...)

New Images of Jackson ‘Ghost’ Released!

By our man covered in ectoplasm, Snooper van Minge New images have been released of the ghostly figure recently spotted by a film crew inside the former home of Michael Jackson. CNN footage showed a mysterious shadow, believed by some to be the King of... (more...)

NORTHERN MONKEY ARRESTED OVER BUM TRICKERY! “I FEEL VIOLATED” SAYS IT BOFFIN

By our man with the Swarfega, John Bollocks. A man was in custody this morning after Police raided a house in the sleepy village of Chinnor in Oxfordshire. Concerned neighbors raised the alarm after a series of distressed screams were heard from within... (more...)

EXCLUSIVE! “Cars better than feet – can get you there quicker” claims report

By our man at the wheel, John Bollocks. Cars can get you to your destination quicker than so-called cheaper alternatives such as walking – FACT! That’s the shocking revelation in a new report issued today which claims to have proven unequivocally... (more...)

RESIDENTS STUNNED AT SORDID SEX REVELATIONS.

“RANDOM STINKFINGERING RIFE” SAYS POLICE CHIEF. Report by John Bollocks. The residents of a well to do area of Aylesbury, Bucks were said to be shocked yesterday, after a Police raid on a flat in the upper crust Watermead area of the town revealed... (more...)

Murray injury scare – Star rushed to Hospital

By our man with his balls in his hands, Snooper van Minge There were fears this morning that Andrew Murray’s Wimbledon dream could be over after the tennis ace was rushed to hospital in the early hours. While Murray Mania swept across the country in... (more...)

Davina McCall bursts own ear drums – ‘Star’ hospitalised

By our man who couldn’t give a toss, Snooper van Minge Big Brother presenter and part-time foghorn Davina McCall has been admitted to hospital after bursting her own ear drums while shouting. The ‘star’ was rushed to hospital after Friday night’s... (more...)

EXCLUSIVE! Susan Boyle revealed as Clarkson’s long-lost sister

By our man wide-eyed and open-mouthed, Snooper van Minge. The showbiz world was rocked to its very core last night by the announcement that Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle is the long-lost sister of outspoken journalist and TV presenter, Jeremy... (more...)

Ronaldo to Real in £80m deal

By Boltvault’s chief sports correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Fergie: Pissing himself Manchester United have today confirmed they have accepted a bid of £80 million for Portuguese winger Christiano Ronaldo. The greasy, sulky, cheating little twat has repeatedly... (more...)

Villagers in dive for cover as fireball hits

"I only tried to say hello" says local youth. Report by our man with a yellow helmet, John Bollocks Residents of the sleepy Buckinghamshire village of Haddenham, enjoying a quiet lunchtime walk or a sociable pint of real ale, were soon rushing for cover... (more...)

Sir Alan Sugar in a right Carry On

By our man under the boardroom table, Snooper van Minge. The final of this years Apprentice show has been thrown into doubt after allegations of sexual harassment by the two remaining contestants. Finalists Kate Walsh and Yasmina Siadatan were said to... (more...)

New twist in search for Lost flight

Investigators into the missing Air France flight which disappeared on Monday have released details of a new line of enquiry. Officials for the airline today announced they were on the hunt for a mysterious island which has the capability to relocate at... (more...)

Exceedingly Poor Cakes

A Grimbsy man claims he is "fighting the good fight" by taking on the fiscal might of renowned cake manufacturer Mr. Kipling. Lionel Doorknob, 69, a retired hamster farmer is suing the purveyor of French Fancies under the Trade Descriptions Act following... (more...)

United Duo In Champions League Blow

United Blow Out Hot on the heels of last weeks Champions League controversy, Manchester United duo Wayne Rooney and Christiano Ronaldo are the latest players set to face the music after pictures were released of the pair doing more than simply bonding... (more...)

Peter & Katie : The Split Which Effects A Nation

By Boltvault showbiz reporter Snooper Van Minge The showbiz world was plunged into deep, dark depression last night with the devastating news that pop has-been Peter Andre and balloon-breasted bimbo Katie Price are to end the tumultuous, yet heart-warming... (more...)

Champions League of Villains

Tom Henning Ovrebo UEFA today moved to dismiss rumours that referee Tom Henning Ovrebo who officiated over last night’s controversial Champions League semi-final is in fact a Barcelona fan. Ovrebo, 99, incensed players and fans alike with a string of... (more...)