By our man at the wheel, John Bollocks.

Cars can get you to your destination quicker than so-called cheaper alternatives such as walking – FACT! That’s the shocking revelation in a new report issued today which claims to have proven unequivocally that cars really can get you there faster.

The report commissioned by the British Association of Car Manufacturers (BACM), claims that in tests conducted under strict scientific conditions, cars beat walking EVERY time. Lead researcher and author of the report, Dr. Drake Ramore of Nottingham University described the results as “incredible”, “They’re incredible” he said.

Dr. Ramore "Incredible"

Dr. Ramore “Incredible”

“We conducted experiments over a range of distances and in a variety of weather conditions” explained Dr. Ramore. “In one experiment, a car driving from Lands End to John O’Groats arrived literally months before a person setting off on foot along exactly the same route. In addition to this, the car was in practically peak condition compared to the person who arrived at their destination an emaciated wreck, close to death and covered in their own filth. For me that is conclusive proof of piston power over foot power.”

And the tests were not just conducted over distance either. “We put subjects in the position of being chased by a hungry Cheetah to see how they would perform” said Dr. Ramore. “In every test we found that the Cheetah was unable to catch up with a Porsche 911 for example whereas chasing a person was easy for them and in every case the subject was mauled to death and eaten by the Cheetah. It really is a compelling argument for using a car rather than walking.”

The British car industry in dire need of a welcome boost, has welcomed the report hailing it as “a victory for common sense.” Chairman of the BACM, Henry Ford said the report poured scorn on the idea that people should find cleaner, greener alternatives to using vehicles in order to save the planet. “Frankly I’m appalled at the propaganda spewed out by groups such as Greenpeace regarding the use of automobiles” said Mr Ford. He continued “This report proves that driving a car is actually beneficial to the environment. If people chose not to use automobiles there would be packs of ravenous Cheetahs roaming the streets killing indiscriminately. Now I don’t know about you but I don’t want to see the streets lined with the remains of children and old people too frail to outrun these beasts.”

A Cheetah today

A Cheetah today

Ironically the findings of the report were borne out in the most tragic of circumstances this evening as a Cheetah escaped from Bristol Zoo. The Cheetah named Fred, killed 9 people at a bus stop before being shot by Police marksmen. When questioned about the incident PC Phil Yerboots who was at the scene said “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if these people had been in a car they would have survived” he said. ”If it hadn’t have been rush hour which meant more people than usual were in their cars, we could have seen many, many more fatalities.”

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