Boltvault physician Dr Julian Quimm has faced many serious questions but this medical poser is right up with there with the most disgusting.

Dear Dr. Quimm,
I would like to ask your advice on a small problem I suffer from.

I have an unpleasant itchy feeling in my Lenny which causes me to insert my digit up my arse to relieve the irritation. Unfortunately one side effect of this relief is that I often catch my G-spot and grout in my crackers leaving my pubes matted and twisted like Christina Aquilera’s barnet.

What help is available for this condition?

Mr. Ron Ettes, Droitwich

Dr Quimm says:
It sounds to me like you’ve got worms my boy.

In any case, sticking your finger up your own bourneville boulevard is a sure indicator of homosexual tendencies. Quite likely the worms are caused by not washing your hands after uphill gardening you filthy, brown-hatting, spunk-drinker.

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