Resident Boltvault physician Dr Julian Quimm offers a wealth of advice on all medical matters. Here he discusses an addiction to conker shaving.

Dear Dr. Quimm,
I am a man in my 20’s and I have what seems to be a strange fixation with my pubic hair. I regularly shave off all my pubes leaving my plonker and knacker sack looking like the last Christmas Turkey in the shop.

I’ve spoken to my friends about this and they all think I’m a bit weird and should remain ‘au naturelle’ instead. They also call me a poof for moisturising and applying cool after shave balm to my nether regions.

Am I a freak or is this natural?

A. Porkpiehat,
Wilmslow

 

Dr. Quimm says:
You big girls blouse. What the bloody hell are you talking about?

First off, the only blokes who shave off their curly clock springs are either a) porn stars, b) pee wee’s trying to make their old chaps more impressive, c) poofs or d) complete cunts. I have a strange feeling you probably fall into b, c and d.

God gave men pubes to get stuck in the teeth and throats of women the world over. End. He did NOT put them there to be trimmed, waxed, snipped or shaved under any circumstances.

Frankly my friend, if your bush doesn’t look like it would be at home on the face of one of those blokes out of ZZ Top, then you have a serious issue.

Shaving your pubes, for fuck’s sake what is the world coming to???

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