Boltvault resident physician Dr Juilan Quimm provides help for all your ailments – even a useless shlong.

Dear Dr. Quimm,
I have a real nightmare of a problem and I just don’t know what to do.

You see, it’s my penis. For a start it’s a funny colour- a sort of freakishly white you might say. It doesn’t seem to work properly either. I can never last more than 15 seconds when having sex and it’s not the biggest tool in the box either, if you know what I mean.

It’s making my sex life hell! What can I do?

Den Tistry,
Dartmouth

 

Dr. Quimm says:
Well Den, it sounds to me like you have two options my lad.

Firstly, rely on your tongue son, rely on your tongue. I’ve been doing it for years. Like yours, my cock has been known to let me down in the bedroom department on occassions so let me tell you the secret to the stars my son. Never, ever, ever put your dick in until you’ve done some serious, and I mean serious bean licking.

You have to lick her twat like a dog licks it’s arse. No matter how much of a stench trench she has down there, you have to battle through it. When she has finally reached her peak, then and only then can you enter the dragon, and then only for as long as you need. You see, by this time she couldn’t give a shit how long you last – in her eyes you’re a fucking legend lad!

Or alternatively, and this is probably my preferred answer, STOP WORRYING ABOUT PLEASING YOUR BIRD, WOMEN CAN’T EJACULATE ANYWAY! GET IN, DO YOUR STUFF AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE MAN!

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