DR. QUIMM’S GUIDE TO KNOWING YOUR POO
Hi, I’m resident Boltvault physician Dr. Julian Quimm and welcome to the first of my series of medical missives designed to help you recognise the tell-tale signs of illness or injury. In my surgery today, I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson;... (more...)
STAR WARS PULP FICTION
This is another in the series of fantastic edits where images of Star Wars have been mixed with other movies and in our opinion, it’s one of the best. Star Wars and Pulp Fiction – genius! Read More →
BOOGIE NIGHTS MIX
Take a dash of Dirk Diggler, a pinch of Han Solo, a drizzle of Luke Skywalker and a large portion of theme music and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a Star Wars / Boogie Nights mix! Read More →
MOUSE HELD ON CELEBRITY HAIR THEFT CHARGES
Bertram shortly before his arrest By our man down the nick, John Bollocks Police have today apprehended a mouse at Heathrow airport on charges of theft and the suspected trafficking of celebrity human hair. Bertram Mouse, 24 of no fixed abode was arrested... (more...)
EYE OF THE TIGER
Very funny, and all about cheese – you can’t go wrong! Read More →
STAR WARS AIRWOLF
Another trip back to the 80′s where we see clips from the movie legend that is Star Wars mixed with the opening titles of hi-tech helicopter adventure series, Airwolf. This is brilliant! Read More →
PROBLEMS PUTTING OUT
Dear Dr Quimm, My boyfriend is always pestering me to have sex with him. It doesn’t matter what time of the day or night it is, he always wants to sleep with me. What can I do as I’m worried this sort of pressure will ruin our relationship? Abi... (more...)
ITALIAN CLASSIC
As iconic movie lines go, this one is right up there. It’s 1969 and Michael Caine has amassed a band of crooks to pull of the crime of the decade – to steal a truck load of gold bullion from right under the noses of the Mafia. Add in some... (more...)
A-TEAM STAR WARS
Ever wondered what would happen if you took the legendary 80′s soldiers of fortune series The A-Team and mixed it with a dash of the original Star Wars trilogy? Well this is it folks, one of the best trailers you’ll ever see. Pure genius! ... (more...)
WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO GIVE BIRTH THAN MEN – OFFICIAL
By our man in the delivery room, John Bollocks A new study undertaken by Cambridge University to be published next week claims that women are a staggering 100% more likely to give birth than men. The study which was commissioned by the British Medical... (more...)
HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED FOLLOWING LIVERPOOL DEFEAT. RIB INJURIES INCREASE TENFOLD
By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks. Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew at Anfield as Liverpool... (more...)
ROSS ANNOUNCES NEW TV PLANS
By chief showbiz correspondent, Snooper van Minge. Following his announcement yesterday that he was quitting the BBC after 13 years; Jonathan Ross has today announced plans for a new TV show which will also feature friend and comedian Russell Brand. Speaking... (more...)
OXFORD MAN HELD ON VOYEUR CHARGES
By our man twitching behind the curtains, John Bollocks. Police were called to a house in upper crust Kidlington, Oxfordshire last night, to arrest an alleged pervert. The alarm was raised by neighbours who heard screaming emanating from a house in The... (more...)
NEW ELECTION POLICIES UNVEILED
By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks. As the build up to a General Election starts to hot up, the major parties have today unveiled the policies they hope will see them elected. This morning Tory leader David Cameron told waiting journalists his... (more...)
IT’S SNOW JOKE! LATEST TERROR PLOT UNCOVERED
By our man with his hands in a muff, John Bollocks. MI5 has today revealed the cold snap which has seen the UK grind almost to a standstill in recent days, is the result of the latest fiendish terror plot by Islamic extremists. A spokesman for the security... (more...)
NEW GOVERNMENT PLANS ON CLIMATE CHANGE ANNOUNCED – ‘KILL THEM ALL’ SAY MINISTERS
By our woman in Westminster, Selina Clownspocket. The government has today announced revolutionary new plans to cut CO2 emissions and reduce the UK’s carbon footprint. Following a two-year study by the University of Leamington Spa, Government ministers... (more...)
The must have cleaning product of the year
Fed up with the sight of unsightly stains on humanity? Want to say goodbye to nasty irritations? Unable to remove those annoying Grimes from your TV every Saturday night? Well look no further! The boffins at Bolvault Industry in association with Cillit... (more...)
EXCLUSIVE! JEDWARD IN CAN’T SING SHOCK
By our man with a slack jaw and even slacker morals, Snooper van Minge Hit ITV talent show the X Factor has been plunged into turmoil today as shocking revelations came to light amid claims that Irish twins John and Edward cannot sing. The pair who have... (more...)
BUM’S THE WORD – LABOUR ANNOUNCES NEW PLANS TO TACKLE SINGLE MUM’S
By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks. Health Secretary Andy Burnham today announced how Labour plans to tackle the mounting issue of unmarried mothers. In a radical new initiative, Mr. Burnham has called for the introduction of anal sex as an alternative... (more...)
X-POSED! X FACTOR TWINS SECRET DAD REVEALED
By our man aghast, Snooper van Minge As if the country wasn’t talking about them enough, shock new revelations about X Factor twins Jonathan and Edward look set to have tongues wagging even more. Startling new evidence has come to light which has revealed... (more...)
MCINTYRE UNDER INVESTIGATION – ‘COMIC’ TO FACE TRADE DESCRIPTION ENQUIRY
McIntyre - 'smug wanker'By Boltvault Showbiz reporter, Snooper van Minge. Irritating, fast-talking, slanty-eyed, pink shirt-wearing twat Michael McIntyre was today at the centre of an investigation by Trading Standards officers after it emerged he was... (more...)
Even Hitler Hates The X Factor Twins
Speaking exclusively to Boltvault from beyond the grave, Adolf Hitler gives his verdict on Johnathan & Edward from his secret bunker in Hell. Read More →
Weird Al Yankovic – Yoda
Sung to the tune of “Lola” by The Kinks, this is a classic Weird Al take-off with a Star Wars spin – very funny! Read More →
Lego Batman Trailer
We know it’s not new but it’s still worth a look, check it out! Read More →
Bolt In New Sprint Sensation – Accomplishes Time Travel Feat
Bolt - capable of time-travel By our man at the track, Wilf Kettle Usain Bolt has amazed the Athletics world again this morning by using his unbelievable speed to actually travel through time. It seems that after winning Olympic Gold last Summer in Beijing,... (more...)
Warnock & Jordan to Take Ball Home – Not Playing Anymore
By Boltvault’s Chief Football Correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Crystal Palace Manager Neil Warnock and his Chairman Simon Jordan have today threatened to take their ball home and not let anyone else play following a disallowed goal in their game at Bristol... (more...)
Olympic Boxing Boost – “Tissue-tastic” says Kleenex
By Boltvault Business Analyst Greg Wad Tissue giants Kleenex are reportedly in line for a bumper pay day after Women’s Boxing was confirmed as an event for London’s 2012 Olympics this week. A spokesman for the company claimed the move was directly... (more...)
New Cancer Shock – Being Alive Increases Risk
Special report by Boltvault physician, Dr. Julian Quimm. Coming hot on the heels of the announcement this morning that an increase in oral cancer has been linked somewhat tenuously to alcohol, scientists at the privately funded Bob Cratchett Biolabs have... (more...)
More Dr. Quimm Casefiles
Threesome Poser Dear Dr. Quimm, My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me but Im worried how this might affect our relationship. What should I do? Angie Sden, Walford. Dr. Quimm Says: Obviously, your husband cannot get enough of you!... (more...)
Public Warned of Sunbed Terror – “They Are Out There Watching” Say Police
By our man on the front line, John Bollocks. Police have today warned the public to remain vigilant after gangs of angry young sunbeds took to the streets following accusations they were “more dangerous than tobacco”. The gangs have caused havoc in... (more...)
Met Office Wrong Shocker – “Oops” says spokesman
By our man in a cagoule, John Bollocks Its official, the Met Office cannot predict the weather. In a shock announcement this morning the boffins, who for decades have tried in vain to predict rain or shine, finally admitted they were a shower of shit.... (more...)
City announce latest bid
By Boltvault’s Chief Football correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Big spending Manchester City are set to stun the football world yet again in this week as they continue in their attempts to buy the Premier League title. Sources at Eastlands have sensationally... (more...)
Latest from the BV Post Room
Dear Boltvault, The old adage states that “A rolling stone gathers no moss”. Well, I’ve had veteran rocker Mick Jagger tied up in my basement for 6 months now and let me tell you, he has all sorts of muck growing on him now. In your face old wives... (more...)
Shoddy Services
Dear Boltvault, On a recent motorway trip from Birmingham to London I heeded the advice of the Highways Agency and fearing tiredness could kill, took a requisite rest at the Welcome Break services situated at junction 8a near Oxford. Having first battled... (more...)
DRUGS, HOOKERS AND BOOZE – WHAT HAPPENED NEXT TO THE CADBURY’S GORILLA
By our man with a large banana, Snooper van Minge He was the Gorilla with the world at his feet. A national TV star who wowed the nation with his drumming abilities but now sadly, that is a distant memory for chocolate bar front man Dave Skelton. For... (more...)
Grimsby Man Scoffs at Scientist Sperm Creation Claims – “Piss-Easy” claims layabout
Report by Boltvault Science editor, Peter Petriedish A man from Grimsby has poured scorn on the revelations that scientists in Newcastle have successfully created human sperm, by claiming he’s “been doing that for years”. Steve Jenkins, 29, an unemployed... (more...)
Tube Travellers Beware!
I was recently using the London Underground for the first time and had an unfortunate accident at High Street Kensington. My attention was held by a sign on the platform floor warning me to ‘Mind The Gap’. Unfortunately, I was so intent on... (more...)
Latest readers letters
Dear Boltvault, I once had a shit and when I looked down the pan I realised it looked just like the Queen of England. I suppose when I pulled the chain it was a Royal Flush! Herr E Pie, Munich Dear Boltvault, I once dipped my ‘Old Man’... (more...)
New Images of Jackson ‘Ghost’ Released!
By our man covered in ectoplasm, Snooper van Minge New images have been released of the ghostly figure recently spotted by a film crew inside the former home of Michael Jackson. CNN footage showed a mysterious shadow, believed by some to be the King of... (more...)
Dr. Quimm’s dietary tips
Morning all and welcome once again to my surgery. I’m regularly asked about what food people should be eating and for advice on health and fitness. Frankly I couldn’t give a rat’s arse because I’m a fanny magnet despite my beer... (more...)
Japanese National Day
Today’s lesson is about Japan. Why Japan? Because they have a National Penis Day – honest! Take a look! [Show as slideshow] ... (more...)
This probably wasn’t mentioned in the travel brochure
NORTHERN MONKEY ARRESTED OVER BUM TRICKERY! “I FEEL VIOLATED” SAYS IT BOFFIN
By our man with the Swarfega, John Bollocks. A man was in custody this morning after Police raided a house in the sleepy village of Chinnor in Oxfordshire. Concerned neighbors raised the alarm after a series of distressed screams were heard from within... (more...)
EXCLUSIVE! “Cars better than feet – can get you there quicker” claims report
By our man at the wheel, John Bollocks. Cars can get you to your destination quicker than so-called cheaper alternatives such as walking – FACT! That’s the shocking revelation in a new report issued today which claims to have proven unequivocally... (more...)
RESIDENTS STUNNED AT SORDID SEX REVELATIONS.
“RANDOM STINKFINGERING RIFE” SAYS POLICE CHIEF. Report by John Bollocks. The residents of a well to do area of Aylesbury, Bucks were said to be shocked yesterday, after a Police raid on a flat in the upper crust Watermead area of the town revealed... (more...)
Murray injury scare – Star rushed to Hospital
By our man with his balls in his hands, Snooper van Minge There were fears this morning that Andrew Murray’s Wimbledon dream could be over after the tennis ace was rushed to hospital in the early hours. While Murray Mania swept across the country in... (more...)
Priceless
Football boots – £100 Socks – £20 Leg Waxing – £50 White Away Champions league jersey – £40 Standing in front of an advertising hoarding at the right time to describe yourself……………………………………….... (more...)
A man who looks like a thumb!
There’s really no more to say than that – he actually looks like a thumb! Read More →
Middle of the night humour
Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man “Holy crap. That must be my husband!” So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped... (more...)
The good doctor speaks again!
Dear Dr. Quimm, I don’t normally write in for help but I’m afraid to say that I’m really struggling and need your advice. I’ve been married for 7 years and I think my wife is up to no good. Why, you may ask? Well there are all the usual tell... (more...)
Wiper blade safety
New Wipers I got a new set of wiper blades on my car (a Peugeot, made in France ). I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don’t care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades... (more...)
NEW! The Baultvault Babysitter
Yes that’s right folks, those boffins at Boltvault Engineering have done it again. In a joint venture with the makers of Stella Artois, the beer that’s reassuringly expensive, we have come up with the answer to all your problems at a price... (more...)
Chef’s Arse
Dear Dr. Quimm, Could you please furnish me with the correct definitions of firstly ‘Chefs Arse’, and secondly a ‘Kleberson’. Are they the same? Also, what are ‘Clinkers’, ‘Chob Nuts’, ‘Tag Bolts’... (more...)
Please Dr. Quimm, can you help?
Dear Dr. Quimm, I have particularly long arse cress and suffer from an uncomfortable build up of clinkers. Trimming the hair seems to make it grow faster and I now have to put it in a bun, which makes my buttocks look lopsided. Any suggestions? A. Nuss Bourneville... (more...)
Davina McCall bursts own ear drums – ‘Star’ hospitalised
By our man who couldn’t give a toss, Snooper van Minge Big Brother presenter and part-time foghorn Davina McCall has been admitted to hospital after bursting her own ear drums while shouting. The ‘star’ was rushed to hospital after Friday night’s... (more...)
EXCLUSIVE! Susan Boyle revealed as Clarkson’s long-lost sister
By our man wide-eyed and open-mouthed, Snooper van Minge. The showbiz world was rocked to its very core last night by the announcement that Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle is the long-lost sister of outspoken journalist and TV presenter, Jeremy... (more...)
Dear Boltvault
Each week we receive literally no emails from you so we’ve made some up! If you are able to find the time between searching for grot and pretending to look at Amazon when your bird catches you mid-stroke, and you do want to send us a mail, fire... (more...)
Dr. Quimm offers more advice
Dear Dr. Quimm, I’ve been seeing this tart for a while now and she is proper filth, I mean the blonde bird out of Girls Aloud filth. She lets me do all sorts to her and is forever asking me to try different things with her from Golden Showers... (more...)
The Boltvault Klegaway – can you live without it?
No matter whether it’s a first date, an interview or a TV debut, as the old adage goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression. So, if the situation is this important the last thing you need is to be suffering with klegnuts. In the past,... (more...)
Latest from Troy – Chuck your Muck!
Hi guys, Troy the Seventies Porn star here. Welcome to the next instalment of Who’s the Daddy? I will now inform you of the next act for you to try to see which one of you and your mates can be crowned as good as Troy the Seventies porn king, oh yeah! Chucking... (more...)
Villagers in dive for cover as fireball hits
“I only tried to say hello” says local youth. Report by our man with a yellow helmet, John Bollocks Residents of the sleepy Buckinghamshire village of Haddenham, enjoying a quiet lunchtime walk or a sociable pint of real ale, were soon rushing... (more...)
Sir Alan Sugar in a right Carry On
By our man under the boardroom table, Snooper van Minge. The final of this years Apprentice show has been thrown into doubt after allegations of sexual harassment by the two remaining contestants. Finalists Kate Walsh and Yasmina Siadatan were said to... (more...)
New twist in search for Lost flight
Investigators into the missing Air France flight which disappeared on Monday have released details of a new line of enquiry. Officials for the airline today announced they were on the hunt for a mysterious island which has the capability to relocate at... (more...)
Exceedingly Poor Cakes
A Grimbsy man claims he is “fighting the good fight” by taking on the fiscal might of renowned cake manufacturer Mr. Kipling. Lionel Doorknob, 69, a retired hamster farmer is suing the purveyor of French Fancies under the Trade Descriptions... (more...)
United Duo In Champions League Blow
United Blow Out Hot on the heels of last weeks Champions League controversy, Manchester United duo Wayne Rooney and Christiano Ronaldo are the latest players set to face the music after pictures were released of the pair doing more than simply bonding... (more...)
The Test Every That Man Should Take
That’s right fella’s. if there’s ever been any doubt at all that you might not be a red-blooded, chick-loving, boob-worshipping bloke, you should take the test below! [Show as slideshow] ... (more...)
Coffee Mate and more…..
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a deep breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore. She takes her complaint to a supervisor... (more...)
NEW! from Boltvault Ads
That’s right folks; the same team that brought you Boltvault Bog Roll now offers you this unique receptacle to wipe away those wanking worries! Ergonomically designed for the left or right-handed wrister, the Wank-Away Masturbation System’s... (more...)
Rascal Rabbit
Dear Dr. Quimm, I have an embarrassing problem. A couple of days ago I was playing with my pet rabbit (the battery operated variety) when I got a bit carried away. I inserted the the aforementioned item so far it became irretrievable. The problem is that... (more...)
The Back Wank
Troy - the man, the legend. Hi guys, Troy the 70′s Porn Star here with more advice on how you too can become the ultimate stud like me, oh yeah! Today is lesson number 2 – The Back Wank. OK guys, the net time you go back to a chick’s... (more...)
Hairy Bush
Dear Dr. Quimm, I met this bloke once in a pub and we ended up back at my place. Unfortunately after he had rubbinsed me to get my juices flowing he pulled down my kecks and his previously magnificent tumescence dwindled to something resembling an elastic... (more...)
Poo’s in trouble now? Toilet tomfoolery ends in tears.
Report by our man in marigolds, John Bollocks. Male members of staff at an accountancy firm are counting the cost of their unruly bottoms after their toilet gave up the ghost and exploded. Men at Mi5er Accountancy in Guildford, Surrey excelled so much... (more...)
Top wife gags
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’ I said, ‘Dust.’ And then the fight started… My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She... (more...)
Flood Appeal – Can you help?
Major floods hit North Britain ! Epicentre: Doncaster , England News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town’s 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “fookinhell” and “chuffinnorah”. The... (more...)
Scousers & Scots
Sean Connery was interviewed on a chat show, and bragged that despite being in his 70′s, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, “Sean, if I’m not bein... (more...)
Brown Wings Clothing – Legend!
Take a look at this, not just a class line in top quality clothing, the history of the brand is brilliant! Summer 1940 and as Britain stands alone to face the relentless onslaught of the Nazi war machine which marches unopposed across Europe, the Battle... (more...)
Show them to me
Probably the only time you’ll enjoy Country & Western music! Watch and enjoy! Read More →
Dr. Quimm on Swine Flu
All this talk of swine flu has had my surgery packed out this week. As usual, when things like this appear in the media, people tend to panic, particularly when they don’t receive all the facts. Well, luckily for you, I’m here to set the record straight,... (more...)
Who’s the Daddy?
Troy - the man, the legend. Hi guys! You may remember me – I’m Troy the 70′s porn star and I’m here to teach you would-be studs how to get the most from your woman. Read on as I take you through the steps required to turn you... (more...)