Public Warned of Sunbed Terror – “They Are Out There Watching” Say Police
By our man on the front line, John Bollocks. Police have today warned the public to remain vigilant after gangs of angry young sunbeds took to the streets following accusations they were “more dangerous than tobacco”. The gangs have caused havoc in... (more...)
Met Office Wrong Shocker – “Oops” says spokesman
By our man in a cagoule, John Bollocks Its official, the Met Office cannot predict the weather. In a shock announcement this morning the boffins, who for decades have tried in vain to predict rain or shine, finally admitted they were a shower of shit.... (more...)
City announce latest bid
By Boltvault’s Chief Football correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Big spending Manchester City are set to stun the football world yet again in this week as they continue in their attempts to buy the Premier League title. Sources at Eastlands have sensationally... (more...)
Latest from the BV Post Room
Dear Boltvault, The old adage states that “A rolling stone gathers no moss”. Well, I’ve had veteran rocker Mick Jagger tied up in my basement for 6 months now and let me tell you, he has all sorts of muck growing on him now. In your face old wives... (more...)
Shoddy Services
Dear Boltvault, On a recent motorway trip from Birmingham to London I heeded the advice of the Highways Agency and fearing tiredness could kill, took a requisite rest at the Welcome Break services situated at junction 8a near Oxford. Having first battled... (more...)
Kimberley Roberts
Meet Miss Kimberley Robers, our 30-26-35 beauty from Leciester. Loves spending time with her mum and friends. Ideal assignment is of course playboy, but has already done shoots for Nuts, Zoo and the Daily Sport!! Kimberley is a shopaholic, but her ideal... (more...)
DRUGS, HOOKERS AND BOOZE – WHAT HAPPENED NEXT TO THE CADBURY’S GORILLA
By our man with a large banana, Snooper van Minge He was the Gorilla with the world at his feet. A national TV star who wowed the nation with his drumming abilities but now sadly, that is a distant memory for chocolate bar front man Dave Skelton. For... (more...)
Hayley-Marie Coppin
Meet Hayley-Marie Coppin, our Essex babe who enjoys her weekends boxing and cycling. Hayley has a very impressive CV having done assignments for Playboy, Perfect 10, Page 3, FHM, Loaded and Front! Hayley’s ideal shoot would be with Playboy USA.... (more...)
Grimsby Man Scoffs at Scientist Sperm Creation Claims – “Piss-Easy” claims layabout
Report by Boltvault Science editor, Peter Petriedish A man from Grimsby has poured scorn on the revelations that scientists in Newcastle have successfully created human sperm, by claiming he’s “been doing that for years”. Steve Jenkins, 29, an unemployed... (more...)
Tube Travellers Beware!
I was recently using the London Underground for the first time and had an unfortunate accident at High Street Kensington. My attention was held by a sign on the platform floor warning me to ‘Mind The Gap’. Unfortunately, I was so intent on... (more...)
Latest readers letters
Dear Boltvault, I once had a shit and when I looked down the pan I realised it looked just like the Queen of England. I suppose when I pulled the chain it was a Royal Flush! Herr E Pie, Munich Dear Boltvault, I once dipped my ‘Old Man’... (more...)
New Images of Jackson ‘Ghost’ Released!
By our man covered in ectoplasm, Snooper van Minge New images have been released of the ghostly figure recently spotted by a film crew inside the former home of Michael Jackson. CNN footage showed a mysterious shadow, believed by some to be the King of... (more...)
Dr. Quimm’s dietary tips
Morning all and welcome once again to my surgery. I’m regularly asked about what food people should be eating and for advice on health and fitness. Frankly I couldn’t give a rat’s arse because I’m a fanny magnet despite my beer... (more...)
Japanese National Day
Today’s lesson is about Japan. Why Japan? Because they have a National Penis Day – honest! Take a look! [Show as slideshow] ... (more...)
This probably wasn’t mentioned in the travel brochure
NORTHERN MONKEY ARRESTED OVER BUM TRICKERY! “I FEEL VIOLATED” SAYS IT BOFFIN
By our man with the Swarfega, John Bollocks. A man was in custody this morning after Police raided a house in the sleepy village of Chinnor in Oxfordshire. Concerned neighbors raised the alarm after a series of distressed screams were heard from within... (more...)