EXCLUSIVE! “Cars better than feet – can get you there quicker” claims report
By our man at the wheel, John Bollocks. Cars can get you to your destination quicker than so-called cheaper alternatives such as walking – FACT! That’s the shocking revelation in a new report issued today which claims to have proven unequivocally... (more...)
RESIDENTS STUNNED AT SORDID SEX REVELATIONS.
“RANDOM STINKFINGERING RIFE” SAYS POLICE CHIEF. Report by John Bollocks. The residents of a well to do area of Aylesbury, Bucks were said to be shocked yesterday, after a Police raid on a flat in the upper crust Watermead area of the town revealed... (more...)
Murray injury scare – Star rushed to Hospital
By our man with his balls in his hands, Snooper van Minge There were fears this morning that Andrew Murray’s Wimbledon dream could be over after the tennis ace was rushed to hospital in the early hours. While Murray Mania swept across the country in... (more...)
Priceless
Football boots - £100 Socks - £20 Leg Waxing - £50 White Away Champions league jersey - £40 Standing in front of an advertising hoarding at the right time to describe yourself.............................................. Priceless Twat ... (more...)
A man who looks like a thumb!
There's really no more to say than that - he actually looks like a thumb! Read More →
Middle of the night humour
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!" So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.... (more...)
The good doctor speaks again!
Dear Dr. Quimm, I don’t normally write in for help but I’m afraid to say that I’m really struggling and need your advice. I’ve been married for 7 years and I think my wife is up to no good. Why, you may ask? Well there are all the usual tell... (more...)
Wiper blade safety
New Wipers I got a new set of wiper blades on my car (a Peugeot, made in France ). I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have... (more...)
NEW! The Baultvault Babysitter
Yes that's right folks, those boffins at Boltvault Engineering have done it again. In a joint venture with the makers of Stella Artois, the beer that's reassuringly expensive, we have come up with the answer to all your problems at a price that suits... (more...)
Chef’s Arse
Dear Dr. Quimm, Could you please furnish me with the correct definitions of firstly 'Chefs Arse', and secondly a 'Kleberson'. Are they the same? Also, what are 'Clinkers', 'Chob Nuts', 'Tag Bolts' and 'Undercarriage Urchins? Roger Bhouys, France Dr Quimm... (more...)
Please Dr. Quimm, can you help?
Dear Dr. Quimm, I have particularly long arse cress and suffer from an uncomfortable build up of clinkers. Trimming the hair seems to make it grow faster and I now have to put it in a bun, which makes my buttocks look lopsided. Any suggestions? A. Nuss Bourneville... (more...)
Davina McCall bursts own ear drums – ‘Star’ hospitalised
By our man who couldn’t give a toss, Snooper van Minge Big Brother presenter and part-time foghorn Davina McCall has been admitted to hospital after bursting her own ear drums while shouting. The ‘star’ was rushed to hospital after Friday night’s... (more...)
EXCLUSIVE! Susan Boyle revealed as Clarkson’s long-lost sister
By our man wide-eyed and open-mouthed, Snooper van Minge. The showbiz world was rocked to its very core last night by the announcement that Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle is the long-lost sister of outspoken journalist and TV presenter, Jeremy... (more...)
Dear Boltvault
Each week we receive literally no emails from you so we've made some up! If you are able to find the time between searching for grot and pretending to look at Amazon when your bird catches you mid-stroke, and you do want to send us a mail, fire it through... (more...)
Dr. Quimm offers more advice
Dear Dr. Quimm, I've been seeing this tart for a while now and she is proper filth, I mean the blonde bird out of Girls Aloud filth. She lets me do all sorts to her and is forever asking me to try different things with her from Golden Showers to Tarmacking.... (more...)
The Boltvault Klegaway – can you live without it?
No matter whether it's a first date, an interview or a TV debut, as the old adage goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression. So, if the situation is this important the last thing you need is to be suffering with klegnuts. In the past, countless... (more...)
Latest from Troy – Chuck your Muck!
Hi guys, Troy the Seventies Porn star here. Welcome to the next instalment of Who’s the Daddy? I will now inform you of the next act for you to try to see which one of you and your mates can be crowned as good as Troy the Seventies porn king, oh yeah! Chucking... (more...)
Ronaldo to Real in £80m deal
By Boltvault’s chief sports correspondent, Wilf Kettle. Fergie: Pissing himself Manchester United have today confirmed they have accepted a bid of £80 million for Portuguese winger Christiano Ronaldo. The greasy, sulky, cheating little twat has repeatedly... (more...)
Villagers in dive for cover as fireball hits
"I only tried to say hello" says local youth. Report by our man with a yellow helmet, John Bollocks Residents of the sleepy Buckinghamshire village of Haddenham, enjoying a quiet lunchtime walk or a sociable pint of real ale, were soon rushing for cover... (more...)
Tom Carr – struggling with his sexuality
Dear Dr. Quimm, I’m worried about a friend of mine, Tom Carr as I feel he may be struggling with his sexuality. My suspicions were aroused last month while on a fishing trip to France. I knew it was going to be quiet but I didn't realise we were going... (more...)
Snare Drum Syndrome
Dear Doctor Quimm, I wish to remain anonymous but can disclose my name rhymes with Hen. I have this problem… ever since I can remember I have been likened to a ginger mincing midget from an 80’s pop band who can reach notes only those missing testicles... (more...)
Sir Alan Sugar in a right Carry On
By our man under the boardroom table, Snooper van Minge. The final of this years Apprentice show has been thrown into doubt after allegations of sexual harassment by the two remaining contestants. Finalists Kate Walsh and Yasmina Siadatan were said to... (more...)
New twist in search for Lost flight
Investigators into the missing Air France flight which disappeared on Monday have released details of a new line of enquiry. Officials for the airline today announced they were on the hunt for a mysterious island which has the capability to relocate at... (more...)
Snatch Wars (Snatch Vs Star Wars)
I had to put this on the site!!! Very funny! Read More →
NikkiLee
Meet naughty Essex girl NikkiLee. NikkiLee has done various types of modelling including topless, glamour mags, papers and car shows but says her dream assignment would be a photo shoot with Jordan and all the Boltvault lads watching! Her ideal night... (more...)
Michelle Westby
Let us introduce you to our newest girl - Michelle!! This Hertfordshire beauty likes McDonalds for her ideal night out, which surprises us as her stats 26-32-34 say otherwise! Michelle has done promotion work for Time Attack, BSB, USC and many professional... (more...)
Candy
This is Candy. Candy's dream assignment would be a shoot in L.A, or somewhere hot we imagine. Candy is into fitness, food, pampering and fair grounds, yet her ideal night out includes pubs, clubs and a kebab for after, perfect! Candy supports Spurs and... (more...)